voters, get ready!
If you're like most politically-minded people, you've probably been thinking a lot about the current presidential election. You've probably also noticed that you don't care about it very much.
Unfortunately, with the boring candidates now fighting for american votes, this election isn't doing much to combat voter apathy. Experts have speculated that it will take the intervention of a true american icon to get the gears of democracy moving once again in their proud circular motion.

That's where General Mills* comes in.

*General Mills is the maker of such well-loved cereals as Cheerios, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Team Cheerios, and Cheerios V: Buzzbee's Revenge.


General Mills has decided to start its own election.
A Cocoa Puffs election.

In this election, Cocoa Puffs is pitting its mascot, Sonny the cuckoo bird, against two of the most shrewd political minds in history: Donkey and Elephant.

The following is my analysis of each candidate in this very important chapter of american history.

bite me!

idiot... We can tell right away that Donkey has absolutely no chance of winning. His platform rests solely on the promise of putting his face on every coin. If Bill Clinton tried to do something like that, he'd get impeached (again.)

Now, I could see this being a viable asset if Donkey was some kind of supermodel. Then other countries would look at our money and say, "Hey, America is full of sexy people! Let's give them all of our money!" Unfortunately, Donkey is a fucking donkey. If he was elected, other countries would look at our money and say, "Hey, America is full of jackasses! Ha ha ha! Stupid jackasses!"

Excerpt from the Cocoa Puffs website

fat bastard Elephant, while a complete moron, is still fifty times better a candidate than Donkey could ever hope to be. Some people might hear Elephant's plans for bigger money, and without thinking, say, "Yeah, I sure could use some bigger cash." Of course, if they followed through on their thoughts, they'd realize that he means LARGER coins, not MORE coins. Nevertheless, people rarely follow through on their thoughts, meaning that Elephant has essentially clinched the "confused and half-deaf" vote.

I personally think that Elephant would have a better chance of winning the election if he had a snappy campaign slogan. I'd suggest something in the vein of "Even fatter than Taft!" Think about it. If you saw a presidential candidate who gave out buttons that said "Even fatter than Taft!," would you be able to NOT vote for them?

Excerpt from the Cocoa Puffs website

he's still a stupid bird Now we come to Sonny the Cuckoo bird, the favorite in this race. I must say, Sonny has the best platform by far. What chocloholic hasn't had a dream involving fudge-spewing ATM machines? If you're anything like me, you're haunted by images like this every night of your miserable existence.

Sonny seems to want to paint his opponents as chocolate-hating communists. He seems to be succeeding. With his gaping grin and glassy eyes, he certainly looks honest.

It will be an interesting race, to say the least.

Excerpt from the Cocoa Puffs website